Keeping It Real

For the most part, I live a pretty wonderful, happy life.  I hesitate to write about Mother's Day 2012 because I don't want anyone to think that I am complaining or that I have unrealistic expectations.  In fact, I think I'm pretty "real" about the whole thing.  I love all the homemade cards and handmade gifts.  And today I got all of those fun things.  I had lots of special school events leading up to the big day and I loved every single moment. Nothing tragic happened, it was just a bad day.  I don't want anyone to think I'm holding some grudge or wondering the purpose of my life, but in an effort to remember that life sometimes has some stinky moments, I'll lay it all out for you.

My first Mother's Day was pretty rotten.  Dustin had moved down to Arizona to start his internship and I was still in Utah teaching school and taking care of our 3 week old Ellie who wasn't even due for another 2 weeks.  My mom was out there helping me pack up the house and taking care of Ellie while I worked during the day.  She also lovingly changed every single diaper -- even in the middle of the night.  Along with being early, Ellie had some nursing complications and I was pumping and trying to teach her how to latch, which was only an option when I was actually home -- so the end of the day and the middle of the night.  I would spend half an hour trying to get her to eat, then supplement with a bottle, put her to sleep, and then pump for the next bottle.  I think I was up for an hour and a half every time she woke up.  The next day, I'd wake up, head off to teach 24 4th graders only to come home to do it all again.  I was so tired and stressed.  It was the end of the year, I was moving, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't have a husband and I couldn't even feed my baby.

That Mother's Day wasn't any different than any other day other than having the title "Mother's Day."   How can two little words carry so many expectations??  Everyday was stressful.  Why would I expect that day to be different.  Somehow Mother's Day found my mother and me sobbing in the Tony Roma's parking lot as we went to pick up dinner for ourselves because we were so tired and depressed to make ourselves a meal.

So really, comparatively, today was fantastic.  I have 4 beautiful children and they love me very much.  But they are children.  They were actually so excited last night that they couldn't sleep.  At 6 am they woke up and insisted I stay in bed.  I should mention that Dustin is out of town, so this all kid directed which makes it even more wonderful. They unrolled a beautiful banner for me and had lots of little bags full necklaces they had picked out for me.  They made me breakfast in bed (oatmeal, toast and jam, bacon and water with a strawberry).  Ellie got the kids dressed for Church. I got poetry and a decorate mug and homemade cards.  It was the best Mother's Day ever!  Unfortunately, 2 hours of awesome-ness is about the cap for 4 kids.

We got to church and the bickering would not stop.  Nate and Luke were fighting.  I told Nate to go sit by Ellie.  He accidentally stepped on her toe on the way over.  She freaked out.  He yelled that she was rude.  I told him to go sit down and he started throwing a hissy fit.  I had to literally drag him out of the chapel (on my sprained ankle) with Luke on my hip screeching.  We went in a class room where both boys yelled at me and suddenly Sadie appeared, "Ellie pinched me."  Somehow I ended up with 4 kids in a room for the sacrament with Luke shrieking, "I want to go back in," for the full 10 minutes.  I am just sitting their sobbing as everyone in the Ward walks past to see what on earth is going on.

We finally get back in and I promise to myself that I will get through this.  I am used to Sundays by myself.  I am used to taking a kid out to the foyer.  Then the speaker gets up and starts complementing all the mothers on their well behaved children.  He knows that they learned this because of their wonderful mothers.  And then I start wondering -- am I a  horrible mother because I can't even get ONE of my kids to sit still on Mother's Day?  And then everyone, very thoughtfully comes up and starts and asking me, "You're ALL ALONE on MOTHER'S DAY?"  Suddenly something that wasn't a big deal is very depressing.  I take half an hour to cry and freshen up in the bathroom and I am good.  Church is wonderful and uplifting and I know the afternoon will only get better.

I pile all the kids in the car, drive to the Stake Center to drop off our camp check, make lunch, put Luke down for a nap and tell the kids that I am going to take a quick nap.  All I ask is that they 1) not fight and 2) Ellie and Sadie clean up their rooms.  I go to lay down.  There is shrieking.  I go out and ask them to please be quiet.  Back to my room.  Fighting.  This time I call from my phone.  More bickering.  I won't detail the next 4 hours, but it does not involve me getting a nap.  No rooms get cleaned.  The dishwasher does not get emptied and no one can get along despite all my pleading.  In fact, every time I come out, it is worse.  Salsa everywhere.  Chips smashed onto the floor.  Now I convinced that I have somehow raised the world's naughtiest children.  I am a horrible mother.

My girlfriend invited me over for dinner.  I couldn't wait to go.  I told the kids to hurry and clean so we could go.  They did not clean one single thing.  I cried.  I seriously was BEGGING them to help me out.  I called and said we wouldn't be coming.  This in turn causes my children to start sobbing.  Nate says he will hug me until I'm happy.  Then he prays that Mom will be happy again.  Sadie says she is the worst kid in the world.  Ellie begs me to just go and she'll stay home and watch the kids.  I feel worse for making THEM feel bad.  I don't know if I have cried this much in years.

The good news is -- we recovered.  We cleaned and cried together, just like my mom and I sat in the car and sobbed ten years ago.  We ate cheesecake and chocolate cake (two amazing girlfriends ran by and shared their desserts with me) for dinner.  I love my children.  They love me.  A bad afternoon is not the end of the world.  It happens.  It just because it was on Mother's Day that it all seemed so awful.  Why do we attach such expectations to a random day?  And then even worse you go on Facebook and instead of being happy for everyone, you just feel worse for yourself.  So there you go -- Mother's Day 2012.  We all have bad days.