Have you ever noticed that right before bed, everything seems like a really big deal? The other night I realized that Young Women in Excellence was on Sadie's birthday and I literally could not sleep because I was so upset. My final solution is to tell my brain that I have a good hour long run the next morning where I can hash it all out and I fall asleep. And as usual, I'm not even out of my neighborhood before I wonder what on earth I was freaking out about.
Last night my freak out was spurred on by a conversation with a good friend. I doubt she knew her compliment would keep me up all night. She was feeling a little overwhelmed with a few changes in her life and wondering how I managed to get everything done. I pointed out that I've been doing this for a lot of years, so I should probably be relatively good at it. And then I realized -- my life has been the exact same for years. Nothing has changed.
I am surrounded by friends who are moving, having babies, going back to school, going back to work, running their first race. . . and I'm just me, trucking along. Dustin's had his job for 5 years now and loves it. We've lived in this house for 7.5 years and although it's small-ish for our family of 6, I feel no real need or desire to move. We're done having kids. I've been running/school mom/Camp Director long enough that it doesn't phase me. Even on the Church front, we've all adjusted to Dustin being Bishop. This is all very new for someone who went to 6 different schools and lived in 4 different states and 2 different countries for Kindergarten-7th grade.
So then I start freaking out. The only change that could happen would be BAD changes. Was this some prompting to try and prepare me for something terrible?
Or. . . am I being a completely ingrate by longing for some change? I love my life. I am so lucky. There is nothing in the world that I want more than to live this life that I have been given. We are happy. We are blessed. Our lives are busy and full and fun. What change do I even WANT??
Or (yes, there's more, my head is insane) am I missing something? Is this a prompting to step out of my comfort zone and do something new? WHAT IS IT??
OR!! Am I just allowing one little thought to fester and interrupt my happiness. Is this even making me unhappy?
Does this happen to anyone else? What do you think? Give me some free therapy!
2 comments:
I totally get it! I had a really hard time adjusting to life after we moved back to the States. I almost didn't know what to do with myself without all the change (ie: language barrier, new culture, new baby, or impending move). Life seemed too 'easy' and that worried me. Was something bad about to happen? Was this was the calm before the storm?
But, what I'm learning (and I think it applies for you too) is that all that change and stress I experienced overseas has allowed me to cope with the changes and stress I experience now--or maybe they just seem small in comparison. So, that's my thought. My bet is that you've just learned to cope with having a lot on your plate. Like a circus performer, you've mastered the art of juggling and you make it look effortless. Bravo!
But, I think you might be onto something though about stepping out of your comfort zone. Next time I start to feel the itch for change, I'm going to think less about where I want to move to and more about if there's someplace else I need to be...if that makes any sense.
Oh, and then I'll go to bed, because sister, you are right! Everything seems more complicated right before bed!
Sometimes our trials are to remain strong when things are good. And even though you may not have major changes happening in your life, being a mom, you will never be able to become complacent - they change every day. You are doing great!!!
What I wouldn't give to have some semblance of normalicy, or to be able to plan. With Kevin's job in in the Army, it has stolen that from me, and so I grasp on to any little thing that I can control and keep the same. That said, I also like some change - say, I think I want to paint my livingroom, but that is all I can handle right now.
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